When did this all begin? Those constant wave of worry! I never actually thought of myself as an anxious person, but since I am a mom somehow everything changed. What I found out for myself is, that motherhood feels like you booked a front seat in the world`s wildest rollercoaster ride. First there is this endless love, so much love – you could have never imagined your heart can feel. There is this saying that being a parent feels like you are carrying your heart outside of your body. And I never really understood this before, but now, I do. Knowing that your are the one who is responsible for this little precious raw life, makes you feel like that there is danger waiting behind each corner. So there is also fear connected to this huge love. Fear of loosing it. Fear of failing and somehow screwing it up.
Everything already started at the beginning of pregnancy. There I was worrying if everything stays smooth, waiting for every check up where I was hopefully able to hear this little heartbeat, so close to mine that it felt like one. Later in pregnancy I was getting nervous about half an hour not feeling her kicking inside my womb.. where is she? what is she doing? why don`t I feel her?
The worry continued every month I headed to the doctor. Always waiting for a positive look on his face and this little heart beating on the screen.
Then I was worried about the birth. Will it be as smooth as the pregnancy was? Hopefully she arrives not exactly when Chris is on a business trip? Or what if he gets stuck in traffic on his way home from work? I don`t want to get our baby in Uber my mind goes. Hopefully I will be able to give birth naturally. Everything but just NO C-Section my mind goes again.
Then Maya was here. And the first 2 weeks were a constant check of her breath (nearly every half an hour) uncertain about the amount of sleep a newborn needs!? Do they really sleep that much?? Now I know! Yes they do 🙂
When she started to roll around, I was afraid she could roll over the bed.. then she started eating, so I was worried that she could choke on a carrot.. oh and then the ability of suffering a concussion when she learned how to sit up. The possibility of fracturing her little teeth when she started crawling or slipping as she learned how to pull herself up to standing.
Right now, it`s the fear of falling since she crawls on top of pretty much everything. Thinking that there will be so much more to worry about in future already gives me goosebumps. Her first steps (what if she falls on a sharp object and cuts her lips), her first day at Kindergarden (will the kids be nice to her), her first ride with the bike,.. but in the midst of all this worry, there is also so much space for being happy and proud.
Even if I am not consciously worrying, I know this fear is there. And it will properbly stay there for quite a bit now. Maybe for the rest of my life. Because this just comes with the whole package of being a parent. And this is beautiful and scary at the same time. Having something in your life you care so much, is sometimes not really graspable. Never could I have imagined that there is a love that big and magical, that it scares you day in day out. I guess I just have to accept it as my daily companion and better learn how to not let it take over and influence my actions as a mom. Observing those feelings as they come and go. Controlling my mind while calming my fear. Trying to react more out of love than out of fear. Learning that I have to let go more than I wish, if I want her to embrace life to its fullest.
So I try and learn, also accepting that I will fail from time to time. Because that`s what we do. But I will never certainly never give up trying to be the mom she deserves until I eventually succeed. And my chances are good, when I act more out of love instead out of fear.