So I finally did it. I registered for a Vipassana Retreat. Since two years I have this in my head.. but never had the guts to push through it. Do you know what I mean?
Then one morning I woke up and thought WHY NOT doing it NOW? For what am I waiting for? There will always be something which seems to be more important or in the way.. but at the end it`s all just a BIG excuse. We do that all the time! Making things up that we don`t have to face our deepest fears.
So I checked Dhamma Malay and there it was. The location, the time.. everything perfectly laid out in front me. So I do believe in signs and this was definitely one. Thrown directly in my face.
For all those who are still asking themselves what the heck is Vipassana here we go:
Vipassana means to see things as they really are. It is one of India’s most ancient techniques of meditation and was rediscovered by Buddha more than 2500 years ago. It was taught by him as a universal remedy for all illness and so called ART OF LIVING. This technique aims for the total extermination of mental impurities and promises so highest happiness and full liberation.
Vipassana is a way of self-transformation through self-observation and focuses on the interconnection between mind and body.
C o u r s e S C H E D U L E
4:00 a.m. Morning wake-up bell
4:30-6:30 a.m. Meditate in the hall or your own room
6:30-8:00 a.m. Breakfast break
8:00-9:00 a.m. Group meditation in the hall
9:00-11:00 a.m. Meditate in the hall or your own room
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
11:00-12:00 p.m. Lunch break
12:00-1:00 p.m. Rest and interviews with the teacher
1:00-2:30 p.m. Meditate in the hall or your own room
2:30-3:30 p.m. Group meditation in the hall
3:30-5:00 p.m. Meditate in the hall or your own room
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
5:00-6:00 p.m. Fruit & Tea (Dinner)
6:00-7:00 p.m. Group meditation in the hall
7:00-8:15 p.m. Teacher’s Discourse in the hall
8:15-9:00 p.m. Group meditation in the hall
9:00-9:30 p.m. Question time in the hall
9:30 p.m. Retire to your own room–Lights out
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Therefore what you mainly do when applying this method is, watching the rising and passing of any feeling within your body. That`s all you do. 10 days long. You are only observing the breath flowing through your body while trying not to react to upcoming sensations like a twitching eye, itching skin, tingling feet.. and many many more (believe me, there are tons as soon as you start paying attention to it).
Using this special technique should help you to become clearer about your body, your mind and your life in general. It helps to sort things out, clear things up and weakens negative feelings like judgement, anger, sadness, hatred. It takes out the illusions we constantly build in our mind and let us appreciate our life with all there is. It frees us from suffering, increases our awareness as well self control which will lead to more and more inner peace. The ultimate goal of every single human on this planet.
But yeah, nothing is for free.. actually the whole 10 days are. But before this wonderful P.E.A.C.E we all want to have right away, there is first some stuff to clean up. And this takes time. Lots of breaths. Patience. And pain.. yes pain! Sometimes emotionally, for sure physically and sometimes both at ones. So I am going to share a bit of my feelings I experienced during this 10 days of observation.
L i t t l e M e d i t a t i o n D i a r y
After giving away all my belongings like mobile phone and jewelry I feel like I checked-in in prison. 6 girls in one room, I feel like boarding school all over again. The area is quite small, will be difficult to not step on each others toe. No fans in the room – will going to get hot. But the view is beautiful – this will definitely give me strength on my low days.
Getting up at 4 am is hard. I choose to meditate in bed instead of the hall. Wrong decision. I fall asleep.
10 Days ? I can do this! What again was this thing I have to buy for Nepal?
It`s already the third day and still the only place I bring my attention to is my nose and both corners of my mouth? Seriously? Is this it?
Today is the day. Finally we start the “real” Vipassana. So far everything was preparation called Anapana or so. Preparation for what?
I feel really sleepy today. Hardly get out of bed. I feel like somebody stole my power. But I still made it to the meditation hall. Even when I managed to fall asleep in sitting and this more then once.. at least I tried.
Shit comes up. I feel restless. Unbalanced. My mind is full with all different kind of thoughts. I have to tell my mum to make this yummy cake when I go home for christmas… my concentration is low. There is just too much pain on the right side of my back. This pain is so sharp that I have the feeling it takes my breath away. I feel headache arising. And heat. And where does this anger suddenly come from? This day really is a pain in the ass. How the hell can I survive this day? Remember this too will pass… this too will pass… it will pass.
I would be ready to go home. I miss Christoph. I want to cuddle up on the couch with my cat. And I miss my green
smoothies in the morning. But my back pain and concentration got better. Overall I feel better. If there would`t be the
tension in my eyes and teeth.
My back still hurts but it`s not so sharp and punctually anymore. It fells like it has spread. I can breathe through it. I can handle it. Sitting for one hour without moving my body feels a lot easier but my mind is everywhere else then in this lotus posture.
My whole body aches. But I could extend my time of not moving my body for another 15 minutes. SUCCESS!
So in total I sat for 1 hour and 15 minutes. Not so bad.
This morning is good. I feel focused. I can feel each little sensation arising and passing. Truly nothing stays forever.
I somehow managed to sit for 1 1/2 hours without moving a finger.
Funny. As we officially break the silence in the afternoon I don`t feel like talking at all. My voice sounds weird. Do I
always sound like that? I feel happy.
I did it. I really did it.
Can`t wait to go home. Butterflies in my stomach.
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